You can captivate someone not by what you say, but by how you listen.
A long time ago, I had a conversation with my girlfriend.
How was your day?
Not great, my group has an assignment due next week and
someone hasn't even started their part.
Normally, I would respond in one of two ways:
1. Talk about myself
That sucks, last semester I had to do a group
assignment. I hated it. One guy had no idea what he was
doing while another one was ...
Humans are wired to be egocentric. When we hear something
related to a past experience, it triggers memories and
associations — which we then want to talk about. Shifting
the attention from her to me. This is my default state when
I'm not focused. I'm not really listening. I'm just waiting
for my turn to speak.
2. Try to fix them
Have you tried asking the lecturer if you can get
marked just for your section? Or if that person can be
removed from the group?
I give advice, but I'm still not really listening. I hear a
problem and reflexively throw out weak solutions. Problems
she brings up in conversation are hard to solve — otherwise
she wouldn't bother. Anything I suggest after hearing only a
couple of sentences has probably already been considered.
This response also assumes she wants advice. Often, she
doesn't. She just wants someone to listen.
There is a third approach I accidentally stumbled upon
that would captivate her. It wasn't from telling a
grand story or giving some profound insight into her
problems. It's just from trying to better understand
her.
It looks something like:
That sucks. What's your relationship like with that
person?
How to
Pre-conversation
At the end of a day, right before I saw her, a flood of things I wanted to tell her would rush into my head. How my day went, some funny video I found on YouTube, plans for the weekend... The same things would be going through her head. The result is two people primed to talk, not to listen. So, just before I saw her, instead of thinking about what I want to say, I would think how I'm going to listen.
Focused listening
When listening to understand, I'm attempting to fully comprehend what she intends to say — which could be different than what she actually says. This is because it's hard to move everything from your head into someone else's. Often, the talker needs help from the listener.
I would start by giving my undivided attention. I made this easier by turning off my phone, positioning my body language towards her and made a conscious effort to have consistent eye contact. This did two things: cue my mind to focus and communicate she has my full attention — encouraging her to talk more.
That focus allowed me to perceive more than I would from passive listening. I wouldn't just hear her words but the way she said them and how her body language changed. Along with the facts, I would feel the emotion behind them.
I ignore the usual thoughts that come into my head:
- how I would respond to her situation,
- passing judgement,
- becoming defensive if we had opposing opinions and
- calling out her contradictions — people are rarely consistent and I'm no different.
Understanding doesn't require any of these.
It's counter-productive to interrupt her but if something was confusing or hard to hear, I would to get clarification. Better that than letting her continue after I miss something important. All of this isn't easy. It requires a lot of energy. But, like a muscle, gets stronger with practice.
Prompts & Questions
There is so much under the surface of what people say.
Not great, my group has an assignment due next week and
someone hasn't even started their part.
- Why haven't they started?
- Has anyone talked to them about it?
- How much is the assignment worth?
- Is the rest of the group worried?
- Is there a plan?
- ...
I use prompts and open questions to dig into her experience. Aiming to collect more than just the facts, but also her thoughts and feelings:
-
Tell me more about ...
How did that make you feel?
What did you think when ...
Why do you think it's happening?
What have you done?
What are you going to do?
Paraphrasing
Throughout the conversation, I put her words into my own
with cues like:
Are you saying...
It sounds like...
I don't paraphrase everything — just what I think the
intended message is. For example, if she expressed
desperation when she said next week, I would
paraphrase:
It sounds like you won't finish by the due date.
However, if her face showed anger when she said
someone, I would say:
Are you saying this person is relying on everyone else
to do their work?
Paraphrasing:
- confirms my understanding,
- gives her an opportunity to clarify what I misunderstood or
- gives her an opportunity to give more detail on an important point.
It's also a sign I'm listening — motivating her to keep talking.
Value
Earlier I mentioned giving advice isn't a good idea. Listening to understand provides a way to help while avoiding it. Have you ever been to a lecture, understood everything, then attempted to solve a problem based on the content and been unable? It's because thoughts are deceptive. They give the illusion you know more than you do. It's only when you process thoughts, through solving a problem, writing or talking, does what you think you know reduce to what you actually know. Listening to understand provides a space for her to talk though her thoughts. To reflect, think critically and solve her own problems.
When I provide a space just for her, not myself. When I listen without trying to fix her, the way she looked and talked to me changed. She feels safe to drop her defences and share everything she's thinking and feeling. To be herself. It gave her an opportunity to be heard in a way I don't think she experienced before — and craved ever since. It gave us both a feeling of connection.