Nobody actually likes running. This is just a lie that Big Run (Nike) tells us, to sell us products we don’t need, for problems we don’t have.

Yet this lie has become so widespread, with run clubs infecting the nation. Promising fitness and, of course, love - that elusive thing that so desperately spurs us all. With false prophets across our algorithms, encouraging impressionable minds to join their local run club, use it to meet singles, use it to catch some ass.

So we dared to take a stand. And sit. To stop running from problems, but to sit and face them, head on.

I know what you’re thinking - let people pretend to enjoy what they want to pretend to enjoy. Who cares? It doesn’t affect you at all. But here’s the thing - it does affect me. You see, I start my weekend mornings off with a Mocha Tesora from my local Philz. Yet one fateful day, as I was minding my own business, going to get my mocha, a run club arrived just before me, a thirty-odd-person-barrier cucking me from my morning fix. The audacity! If not for the lies sold to them by run club, these posers wouldn’t even be awake at this hour, let alone in my neighborhood Philz.

I fear the egos of these runners are approaching biker-level. Bikers - the greatest threat to the fabric of our society. They think they’re a car when the light is green, and a pedestrian when it’s red. They bike on sidewalks! They consider themselves some magical shapeshifting being, some transformer that can morph between human and machine, some god above the laws of civil society, but they’re just dicks on wheels. They’re next.

Anyways. If you’re a loyal 𝓇𝒶𝓌 and 𝒻𝑒𝓇𝒶𝓁 reader, you know the drill. We made posters calling our fellow civilians to arms (and legs). Connie used Blender to its greatest potential, 3-D rendering a sitting man on a sitting man on a sitting man, etc, on a chair.

Then we took to the streets to flyer. (Shoutout to our friend/unpaid intern Mason, and Mackenzie’s boyfriend/unpaid intern Russell, who valiantly helped flyer.)

Our preparation also included spending over ten minutes thinking of sitting-themed activities and writing an event description.

And so the people rose up to join us. In equal parts they rsvp’d “yes” and “maybe,” some courageous in the face of Big Run, others hopeful yet afraid.

People posted pictures of our flyers to Reddit, and we trended at the top of r/sanfrancisco. Some commenters hypothesized this was a marketing scheme for the party-planning platform we were using, or for Grindr, not realizing we could just be motivated by the simple joy of sitting. One commenter said the advert reminded them of those from a scavenger hunt last year (which I actually did make, my personal brand is becoming recognizable lol).

Reporters from CBS, The SF Standard, and the SF Gazetteer started sliding into our DMs.

And so we did maybe the most ridiculous interview ever on TV, which you can watch here.

Day of Sit Club - we arrived at Golden Gate Park and staked out Sit Club signs that Connie designed. Sitters started tricking in. We distributed Sit Club stickers and I led some sitting warm-ups to prepare us for an afternoon of sitting.

Then Mackenzie and I led a game of musical chairs to find the fastest sitter at Sit Club. Obviously, we only played sitting-related songs, such as “Sit Still, Look Pretty,” “(Sittin’ On) the Dock of the Bay,” and “Sit Next to Me.” As you can see below, it became intense very quickly.

The winner of musical chairs was a guy in a wheelchair named Andy, who easily won because he always had a seat (his wheelchair). Now you may think it’s unfair that Andy has this natural advantage in sitting, however, it’s been proven that Michael Phelps has genetic advantages in swimming, and we celebrate him nonetheless.

The runner up of musical chairs was our friend Patrick (not in a wheelchair, but we love him all the same).

After all this excitement, the only thing left to do was sit back and relax.

Our friend Russell brought his couch, a karaoke set, and bubbles to Sit Club. He also ordered Uber Eats to his couch and got pushed around by a mysterious unicycle man. If there’s one thing I would change if I could go back in time and do Sit Club again, it would be being born as Russell, cuz that guy had a blast.

We sat long and hard, and then departed ways, to go carry forth the tradition of sitting, back in our own homes. Shortly after, the SF Standard dropped an article.

I have a long and storied history with reporters, most notably The Reporter, also from the SF Standard, who I played a mischievous game of cat-and-mouse with a year ago. Ever since she left the paper, I’ve felt a great emptiness, a void. Will this become our new The Reporter we (metaphorically) tango with? Only time will tell…

My friend Mehran (of the internationally acclaimed Mehran’s Steakhouse) once declared - “Everything you touch turns to gold.” And I think about that a lot, when I’m turning things to gold. Maybe I’d make millions, billions in day trading or other forms of gambling with my magic touch. I’m not going to do that though, I’m going to continue doing stupid things instead.

The CDC recommends adults get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic activity or 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity aerobic activity per week. Know that I do take cardiovascular health very seriously. Some fun and acceptable forms of exercise are: incline walking, pilates, hip hop dance, and a non-pickleball sport. Please try these and speak to a trusted friend or family member before turning to running.

If you would like to stay in know for future SF-based schemes or help orchestrate them, join our mailing list here. And/or, y’know, subscribe ;)

Where did all these people come from??? You may wonder. Look at this graph I made.