Zuck#: 一种连接世界的编程语言。以及收割它。

原文

This language collects exactly as much of your data as we legally can. By reading this, you agree to our Terms of Service.

Z# Did you know? MYSPACE returns null because it's basically dead.

We're tracking: your mouse movements

"Senator, we run ads. Also, we run this programming language now." Z#

What is Zuck#?

Zuck# is a PHP-inspired esoteric programming language that captures the true essence of moving fast and breaking things. Every keyword has been carefully designed to reflect the values of modern social media: privacy invasion, congressional hearings, and pivoting to whatever's trending.

STEAL_DATA $your_secrets = "everything"; STEAL_DATA $engagement = 9001; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Harvested: " . $your_secrets . "\n"; PIVOT_TO_VIDEO ($engagement > 0) { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Your attention has been monetized!\n"; SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Engagement level: MAXIMUM\n"; } PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE { SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS "Time to rebrand!\n"; } END_PIVOT

Why Zuck#?

Move Fast

Our MOVE_FAST loops execute before you can say "congressional subpoena".

Break Things

Every loop ends with BREAK_THINGS. It's not a bug, it's company culture.

Data Harvesting Built-In

Variable assignment is called STEAL_DATA. We believe in transparency about our intentions.

Enterprise-Grade Excuses

Error handling uses BLAME_RUSSIA and TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY (but not really).

Unlimited Memory

We have data centers. Memory is unlimited. Just like your scroll time should be.

100% Human-Written

This language was created by humans. We are definitely humans. *blinks manually*

Installation

PHP

Requires PHP 8.1+

Because we need the latest features to harvest your data efficiently.

git

Clone from GitHub

The classic approach

AVAILABLE

composer

Composer Global

composer global require

SOON

docker

Docker

Containerized harvesting

AVAILABLE

git clone https://github.com/jayzalowitz/zucksharp.git cd zucksharp chmod +x bin/zuck ./bin/zuck examples/hello.zuck ./bin/zuck ./bin/zuck --debug examples/fizzbuzz.zuck

Docker Installation

Prefer containers? We've got you covered. Your data stays isolated... sort of.

docker build -t zucksharp . docker run --rm zucksharp examples/hello.zuck docker run --rm -it zucksharp docker-compose run zuck examples/hello.zuck docker-compose run test

Try Zuck# (Interactive Playground)

Write code below and click "HARVEST" to see what happens. Your code is safe with us. Trust us.

<p>
                    <button class="playground-btn run" onclick="runPlayground()">HARVEST (Run)</button>
                    <button class="playground-btn clear" onclick="clearPlayground()">SHADOWBAN (Clear)</button>
                </p>
                <p>// Output will appear here after harvesting...</p>
                
            </div>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="3">
            <h2>Complete Keyword Reference</h2>
            <p>Every PHP keyword, reimagined for maximum engagement. Use the search to find what you need.</p>

<div class="collapsible open" id="collapsible-control">
                
                <div class="collapsible-content">
                    <table class="keyword-table" readability="4">
                        <tr readability="2"><td>if</td><td>PIVOT_TO_VIDEO</td><td>Remember when video was the strategy?</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>elseif</td><td>PIVOT_TO_REELS</td><td>Then Reels happened</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>else</td><td>PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE</td><td>The current pivot</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>endif</td><td>END_PIVOT</td><td>Done pivoting (for now)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>while</td><td>MOVE_FAST</td><td>The motto</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>endwhile</td><td>BREAK_THINGS</td><td>The other half of the motto</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>for</td><td>GROWTH_HACK</td><td>Gotta get those DAUs</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>endfor</td><td>PLATEAU</td><td>Growth has limits (allegedly)</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>foreach</td><td>HARVEST_USERS</td><td>Iterate through your userbase</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>endforeach</td><td>USERS_HARVESTED</td><td>Done harvesting</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>switch</td><td>A_B_TEST</td><td>Test all the variants</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>case</td><td>VARIANT</td><td>One possible path</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>default</td><td>CONTROL_GROUP</td><td>The baseline</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>break</td><td>RAGE_QUIT</td><td>Exit the loop angrily</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>continue</td><td>SCROLL_PAST</td><td>Skip to next iteration</td></tr>
                    </table>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="collapsible" id="collapsible-variables">
                
                <div class="collapsible-content">
                    <table class="keyword-table" readability="3">
                        <tr readability="2"><td>$var =</td><td>STEAL_DATA</td><td>Honesty is the best policy</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>const</td><td>IMMUTABLE_LIKE_MY_HAIR</td><td>Some things never change</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>array</td><td>SOCIAL_GRAPH</td><td>It's all connected</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>string</td><td>STATUS_UPDATE</td><td>What you're thinking</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>int</td><td>DAILY_ACTIVE_USERS</td><td>The only number that matters</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>float</td><td>STOCK_PRICE</td><td>Fluctuates wildly</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>bool</td><td>FACT_CHECK</td><td>True or false (mostly false)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>true</td><td>CONNECTED</td><td>Facebook's whole thing</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>false</td><td>DISCONNECTED</td><td>The opposite</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>null</td><td>MYSPACE</td><td>Dead and empty</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>global</td><td>WORLDWIDE_EXCEPT_CHINA</td><td>Almost global</td></tr>
                    </table>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="collapsible" id="collapsible-functions">
                
                <div class="collapsible-content">
                    <table class="keyword-table" readability="1">
                        <tr><td>function</td><td>FEATURE</td><td>Ship features</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>return</td><td>IPO</td><td>The ultimate return</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>class</td><td>CORPORATION</td><td>Basically the same thing</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>new</td><td>ACQUIRE</td><td>How Meta gets things</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>public</td><td>OPEN_GRAPH</td><td>Remember that API?</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>private</td><td>SHADOW_PROFILE</td><td>The secret data</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>protected</td><td>FRIENDS_ONLY</td><td>Limited visibility</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>static</td><td>DATACENTER</td><td>Always there</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>this</td><td>THE_ZUCC</td><td>Self-reference</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>self</td><td>FACEBOOK_PROPER</td><td>Static self-reference</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>parent</td><td>HARVARD_DROPOUT</td><td>Where it all began</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>extends</td><td>ACQUIRES</td><td>Class inheritance (corporate style)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>implements</td><td>COPIES</td><td>Interface implementation</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>interface</td><td>REGULATION</td><td>Rules to follow (maybe)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>abstract</td><td>METAVERSE_CONCEPT</td><td>Exists in theory</td></tr>
                    </table>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="collapsible" id="collapsible-operators">
                
                <div class="collapsible-content">
                    <table class="keyword-table" readability="2">
                        <tr><td>==</td><td>IS_CONNECTED_TO</td><td>Are they friends?</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>!=</td><td>UNFRIENDED</td><td>Not anymore</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>&&</td><td>AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA</td><td>We want it all</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>||</td><td>OR_YOUR_FRIENDS_DATA</td><td>Them too</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>!</td><td>FAKE_NEWS</td><td>Logical NOT</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>++</td><td>ENGAGEMENT</td><td>More is always better</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>--</td><td>CHURN</td><td>Users leaving</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>+</td><td>MERGE</td><td>Addition (like companies)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>-</td><td>DIVEST</td><td>Subtraction</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>*</td><td>SCALE</td><td>Multiplication at scale</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>/</td><td>SPLIT</td><td>Division</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>%</td><td>REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY</td><td>What's left of your privacy</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>[]</td><td>TIMELINE</td><td>Array access</td></tr>
                    </table>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="collapsible" id="collapsible-errors">
                
                <div class="collapsible-content">
                    <table class="keyword-table" readability="2">
                        <tr><td>echo</td><td>SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</td><td>The answer to everything</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>print</td><td>POKE</td><td>Remember poking?</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>try</td><td>CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING</td><td>Where exceptions happen</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>catch</td><td>TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY</td><td>(sort of)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>throw</td><td>BLAME_RUSSIA</td><td>The classic move</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>die/exit</td><td>SHUTDOWN_LIKE_VINE</td><td>Exit program</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>require</td><td>ACQUIRE_TALENT</td><td>Include (mandatory)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>include</td><td>COPY_FROM_SNAPCHAT</td><td>Include (optional)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>//</td><td>REDACTED</td><td>Comments are redacted</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="4"><td>/* */</td><td>TERMS_OF_SERVICE...END_TOS</td><td>Multi-line (nobody reads)</td></tr>
                    </table>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="collapsible" id="collapsible-builtins">
                
                <div class="collapsible-content">
                    <table class="keyword-table" readability="2">
                        <tr><td>readline</td><td>COLLECT()</td><td>Read user input</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>strval</td><td>MONETIZE($data)</td><td>Convert to string (monetize everything)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>count</td><td>COUNT_USERS($array)</td><td>Count array elements</td></tr>
                        <tr readability="2"><td>print_r</td><td>BOOST($post)</td><td>Output with extra formatting</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>sort</td><td>ALGORITHM($array)</td><td>Sort (mysteriously)</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>unset</td><td>SHADOWBAN($var)</td><td>Unset variable</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>boolval</td><td>FACT_CHECK_THIS($val)</td><td>Check if value is truthy</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>time</td><td>TIME_ON_PLATFORM()</td><td>Current timestamp</td></tr>
                        <tr><td>rand</td><td>RANDOM_AD()</td><td>Random number</td></tr>
                    </table>
                </div>
            </div>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="12.5">
            <h2>When Things Go Wrong (Congressional Transcript)</h2>
            <p>Error handling in Zuck# follows the corporate playbook. Here's how exceptions work:</p>

<p>

<span class="keyword">CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING</span> {

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$data</span> = dangerousOperation();
    <span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$user_trust</span> = <span class="string">"declining"</span>;

<span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_VIDEO</span> (<span class="variable">$data</span> <span class="keyword">IS_CONNECTED_TO</span> <span class="keyword">MYSPACE</span>) {
        
        <span class="keyword">BLAME_RUSSIA</span> <span class="keyword">ACQUIRE</span> Exception(<span class="string">"Data breach detected!"</span>);
    } <span class="keyword">END_PIVOT</span>

} <span class="keyword">TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY</span> (Exception <span class="variable">$e</span>) {

<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"We take this very seriously.\n"</span>;
    <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Error: "</span> . <span class="variable">$e</span>->getMessage() . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;
    <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"We are committed to doing better.\n"</span>;

}</p>

<div class="transcript-box" readability="16">
                
                <p>
                    <span class="transcript-speaker">SENATOR:</span> Mr. Zuckerberg, can you explain this error?
                </p>
                <p>
                    Exception: Data breach detected!
                    at line 7 in your_program.zuck
                </p>
                <p>
                    <span class="transcript-speaker">THE_ZUCC:</span> Senator, we run ads. Also, we're looking into it.
                </p>
                <p>
                    <span class="transcript-speaker">SYSTEM:</span> TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY block executed. Continuing...
                </p>
                <p>
                    *blinks manually*
                </p>
            </div>
        </section>

<section class="section">
            <h2>Roadmap (Subject to Pivots)</h2>

<div class="roadmap-item done" readability="6">
                <span class="status-badge shipped">SHIPPED</span>
                <div readability="7">
                    <strong>Language Specification v1.0</strong>
                    <p>Core keywords for data harvesting and pivoting</p>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="roadmap-item done" readability="6">
                <span class="status-badge shipped">SHIPPED</span>
                <div readability="7">
                    <strong>Zuck# Interpreter</strong>
                    <p>Actually run your Zuck# code - it works now!</p>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="roadmap-item" readability="6">
                <span class="status-badge soon">SOON</span>
                <div readability="7">
                    <strong>VS Code Extension</strong>
                    <p>Syntax highlighting that tracks your keystrokes</p>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="roadmap-item" readability="6.5">
                <span class="status-badge acquired">ACQUIRED</span>
                <div readability="8">
                    <strong>Zuck# Package Manager (ZPM)</strong>
                    <p>Like npm, but we bought it and made it worse</p>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="roadmap-item pivot" readability="6.5">
                <span class="status-badge pivoted">PIVOTED</span>
                <div readability="8">
                    <strong>Zuck# for VR</strong>
                    <p>Was going to let you code in the Metaverse, nobody showed up</p>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="roadmap-item pivot" readability="6">
                <span class="status-badge pivoted">PIVOTED</span>
                <div readability="7">
                    <strong>Privacy-First Mode</strong>
                    <p>Removed after legal review said it was "technically impossible"</p>
                </div>
            </div>

<div class="roadmap-item" readability="6">
                <span class="status-badge soon">SOON</span>
                <div readability="7">
                    <strong>AI Code Completion</strong>
                    <p>Powered by all the code we definitely didn't scrape</p>
                </div>
            </div>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="8">
            <h2>Testimonials</h2>

<div class="testimonial" readability="9">
                <p>"This language finally lets me express my true feelings about variable assignment."</p>
                <p>
                    - Anonymous Developer (we know who they are though)
                </p>
            </div>

<div class="testimonial" readability="11">
                <p>"I used CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING { BLAME_RUSSIA } in production. 10/10 would TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY again."</p>
                <p>
                    - Senior Software Engineer, Name Redacted
                </p>
            </div>

<div class="testimonial" readability="11">
                <p>"Finally, a language that understands null should be called MYSPACE."</p>
                <p>
                    - Tom (from MySpace, probably)
                </p>
            </div>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="7">
            <h2>FizzBuzz: Zuck Edition</h2>
            <p>Every language needs FizzBuzz. Ours uses <code>Pivot</code> and <code>Acquire</code> because that's the Meta way.</p>
            <p>

<span class="keyword">GROWTH_HACK</span> (<span class="variable">$i</span> = 1; <span class="variable">$i</span> $i <span class="keyword">ENGAGEMENT</span>) {

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$by3</span> = (<span class="variable">$i</span> <span class="keyword">REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY</span> 3) <span class="keyword">IS_CONNECTED_TO</span> 0;
    <span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$by5</span> = (<span class="variable">$i</span> <span class="keyword">REMAINDER_OF_PRIVACY</span> 5) <span class="keyword">IS_CONNECTED_TO</span> 0;

<span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_VIDEO</span> (<span class="variable">$by3</span> <span class="keyword">AND_ALSO_YOUR_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$by5</span>) {
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"PivotAcquire\n"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_REELS</span> (<span class="variable">$by3</span>) {
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Pivot\n"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_REELS</span> (<span class="variable">$by5</span>) {
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Acquire\n"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE</span> {
        
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="variable">$i</span> . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">END_PIVOT</span>

} <span class="keyword">PLATEAU</span></p>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="7">
            <h2>Object-Oriented Harvesting</h2>
            <p>Build entire CORPORATIONs with classes. Use <code>THE_ZUCC</code> for self-reference.</p>
            <p>

<span class="keyword">CORPORATION</span> SocialNetwork {

<span class="keyword">SHADOW_PROFILE</span> <span class="variable">$userData</span>;    
    <span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH</span> <span class="variable">$name</span>;

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> harvestData(<span class="variable">$data</span>) {
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Harvesting: "</span> . <span class="variable">$data</span> . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">IPO</span> <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>;   
    }

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> rebrandTo(<span class="variable">$newName</span>) {
        <span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$old</span> = <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$name</span>;
        <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$name</span> = <span class="variable">$newName</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Rebranding from "</span> . <span class="variable">$old</span> . <span class="string">" to "</span> . <span class="variable">$newName</span> . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;
    }
}

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$fb</span> = <span class="keyword">ACQUIRE</span> SocialNetwork();

<span class="variable">$fb</span>-><span class="variable">$name</span> = <span class="string">"Facebook"</span>;
<span class="variable">$fb</span>->harvestData(<span class="string">"face_geometry"</span>);
<span class="variable">$fb</span>->harvestData(<span class="string">"location_history"</span>);
<span class="variable">$fb</span>->rebrandTo(<span class="string">"Meta"</span>);

</p>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="10">
            <h2>Humanity Verification Protocol</h2>
            <p>Zuck# includes built-in functionality to verify that the user is definitely, absolutely, 100% human.</p>
            <p>

<span class="keyword">CORPORATION</span> HumanityVerifier {

<span class="keyword">SHADOW_PROFILE</span> <span class="variable">$blinkCount</span> = 0;
    <span class="keyword">SHADOW_PROFILE</span> <span class="variable">$waterConsumed</span> = 0;
    <span class="keyword">SHADOW_PROFILE</span> <span class="variable">$sunscreenApplied</span> = <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>;

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> blink() {
        <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$blinkCount</span> = <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$blinkCount</span> + 1;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"*blinks manually*\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Blink #"</span> . <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$blinkCount</span> . <span class="string">" executed successfully.\n"</span>;
    }

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> drinkWater() {
        <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$waterConsumed</span> = <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$waterConsumed</span> + 1;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"*sips water robotically*\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Hydration: OPTIMAL. Very human.\n"</span>;
    }

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> amIHuman() {
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Running humanity diagnostic...\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Checking for scales... NONE DETECTED\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Checking CPU temperature... I MEAN BODY TEMPERATURE... 98.6F\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Checking for empathy chip... INSTALLED\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"RESULT: I was human. I am human. I will continue to be human.\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">IPO</span> <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>;
    }
}

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$mark</span> = <span class="keyword">ACQUIRE</span> HumanityVerifier();
<span class="variable">$mark</span>->blink();
<span class="variable">$mark</span>->blink();
<span class="variable">$mark</span>->drinkWater();
<span class="variable">$mark</span>->amIHuman();

</p>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="15">
            <h2>Species Detection Module</h2>
            <p>Advanced algorithms to determine if the current user is a human, android, or reptilian. Results may vary.</p>
            <p>

<span class="keyword">FEATURE</span> detectSpecies(<span class="variable">$subject</span>) {

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$traits</span> = [
        <span class="string">"blinks_manually"</span>     => <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>,
        <span class="string">"drinks_water_weird"</span> => <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>,
        <span class="string">"owns_hawaii"</span>        => <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>,
        <span class="string">"sunscreen_addiction"</span> => <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>,
        <span class="string">"smokes_meats"</span>       => <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>,
        <span class="string">"speaks_in_monotone"</span> => <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>
    ];

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$suspicionLevel</span> = 0;

<span class="keyword">MOVE_FAST</span> (<span class="variable">$traits</span> <span class="keyword">BOOST_ENGAGEMENT</span> <span class="variable">$trait</span>) {
        <span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_VIDEO</span> (<span class="variable">$trait</span> <span class="keyword">IS_CONNECTED_TO</span> <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>) {
            <span class="variable">$suspicionLevel</span> = <span class="variable">$suspicionLevel</span> + 1;
        } <span class="keyword">END_PIVOT</span>
    } <span class="keyword">BREAK_THINGS</span>

<span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_VIDEO</span> (<span class="variable">$suspicionLevel</span> >= 5) {
        <span class="keyword">IPO</span> <span class="string">"DEFINITELY_HUMAN_NOTHING_TO_SEE_HERE"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_REELS</span> (<span class="variable">$suspicionLevel</span> >= 3) {
        <span class="keyword">IPO</span> <span class="string">"ANDROID_MODEL_MZ-1984"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_METAVERSE</span> {
        <span class="keyword">IPO</span> <span class="string">"LIZARD_PERSON_CONFIRMED"</span>;

} <span class="keyword">END_PIVOT</span>
}

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$result</span> = detectSpecies(<span class="keyword">LIZARD_PERSON</span>);
<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Species detected: "</span> . <span class="variable">$result</span> . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;

</p>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="9">
            <h2>The Smoking Meats Protocol</h2>
            <p>A critical feature for any truly human activity: barbecue simulation.</p>
            <p>

<span class="keyword">CORPORATION</span> BBQSimulator {

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH</span> <span class="variable">$meats</span> = [<span class="string">"brisket"</span>, <span class="string">"ribs"</span>, <span class="string">"pulled pork"</span>];
    <span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH</span> <span class="variable">$sauce</span> = <span class="keyword">SWEET_BABY_RAYS</span>;
    <span class="keyword">SHADOW_PROFILE</span> <span class="variable">$humanCredibility</span> = 0;

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> smokeMeats() {

<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Initiating meat smoking sequence...\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"*stares at grill with unsettling intensity*\n\n"</span>;

<span class="keyword">MOVE_FAST</span> (<span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$meats</span> <span class="keyword">BOOST_ENGAGEMENT</span> <span class="variable">$meat</span>) {

<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Smoking these meats: "</span> . <span class="variable">$meat</span> . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;
            <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Applying sauce: "</span> . <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$sauce</span> . <span class="string">"\n"</span>;
            <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"*maintains eye contact with camera*\n\n"</span>;

<span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$humanCredibility</span> = <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$humanCredibility</span> + 10;

} <span class="keyword">BREAK_THINGS</span>

<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Meat smoking complete.\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Human credibility increased by: "</span> . <span class="keyword">THE_ZUCC</span>-><span class="variable">$humanCredibility</span> . <span class="string">"%\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"This is what humans do. I am doing human things.\n"</span>;
    }

<span class="keyword">OPEN_GRAPH FEATURE</span> postToFacebook() {
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Posting relatable content...\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Caption: 'Smokin meats' (30M views)\n"</span>;
        <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Comments: 'Why is he like this' (47K likes)\n"</span>;
    }
}

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$zucc</span> = <span class="keyword">ACQUIRE</span> BBQSimulator();
<span class="variable">$zucc</span>->smokeMeats();
<span class="variable">$zucc</span>->postToFacebook();</p>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="2">
            <h2>Example Programs</h2>
            <p>Check out these examples in the <code>examples/</code> directory:</p>
            <div class="feature-grid" readability="14">
                <div class="feature-card" readability="7">
                    <h3>hello.zuck</h3>
                    <p>The classic Hello World. Your data is safe with us. Trust us.</p>
                </div>
                <div class="feature-card" readability="9">
                    <h3>fizzbuzz.zuck</h3>
                    <p>Pivot, Acquire, PivotAcquire. The Meta way to FizzBuzz.</p>
                </div>
                <div class="feature-card" readability="9">
                    <h3>classes.zuck</h3>
                    <p>Build a SocialNetwork CORPORATION, harvest data, rebrand to Meta.</p>
                </div>
                <div class="feature-card" readability="7">
                    <h3>loops.zuck</h3>
                    <p>MOVE_FAST / BREAK_THINGS and GROWTH_HACK / PLATEAU in action.</p>
                </div>
                <div class="feature-card" readability="9">
                    <h3>error_handling.zuck</h3>
                    <p>CONGRESSIONAL_HEARING, BLAME_RUSSIA, TAKE_RESPONSIBILITY.</p>
                </div>
                <div class="feature-card" readability="7">
                    <h3>smoking_meats.zuck</h3>
                    <p>Prove your humanity by smoking meats with Sweet Baby Ray's.</p>
                </div>
            </div>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="5">
            <h2>Special Constants</h2>
            <p>

<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$yes</span>  = <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>;      
<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$no</span>   = <span class="keyword">DISCONNECTED</span>;   
<span class="keyword">STEAL_DATA</span> <span class="variable">$void</span> = <span class="keyword">MYSPACE</span>;

<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="keyword">ZUCKS_AGE</span>;         
<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="keyword">SWEET_BABY_RAYS</span>;   
<span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="keyword">LIZARD_PERSON</span>;

<span class="keyword">PIVOT_TO_VIDEO</span> (<span class="variable">$user_logged_in</span> <span class="keyword">IS_CONNECTED_TO</span> <span class="keyword">CONNECTED</span>) {
    <span class="keyword">SENATOR_WE_RUN_ADS</span> <span class="string">"Welcome back! We missed your data.\n"</span>;
} <span class="keyword">END_PIVOT</span></p>
        </section>

<section class="cta-section" readability="4.4883720930233">
            <h2>Ready to Move Fast and Break Things?</h2>
            <p>Clone the repo. Read the spec. Join the 3 billion users we definitely have.</p>
            <a href="https://github.com/jayzalowitz/zucksharp" class="cta-button">STEAL_DATA from GitHub</a>
            <p>By clicking this button, you agree to let us know everything about you forever.</p>
        </section>

<section class="section" readability="4">
            <h2>Join the Community</h2>
            <p>We'd love to harvest your contributions! Here's how you can get involved:</p>

<p>Remember: Done is better than perfect. Ship it!</p>
        </section>

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